i was happy half aware

i'm sitting here in my favorite little coffee shop, in my favorite chair looking out my favorite window eating my favorite sandwich and drinking my favorite coffee and i'm wondering why, in this perfect combination of things, i'm not happy.

I'm always happy, or at least, i thought i was. Recently I realized I tend to fool myself into thinking i'm happy more often than i actually am. I try really hard not to acknowledge the shit that accumulates in my life. I try to be optimistic. I try to love everyone and ignore the bad. Ignore the negative and thrive in the positive.

I'd like to beleive in a few truths:

• Man is innately good
• God loves us unconditionally
• trust anyone enough and they wont hurt you
• I won't hurt anyone

all of these are things that i have held true, or tried to hold true, since i've adopted my view on the world. everyone of these things has been challenged in someway in the last year

so here's an updated list, which i loathe:

• Some man is evil, and all man will hurt you given the right (wrong?) circumstances
• God is a Sadistic Bastard
• some people will hurt you no matter how much you want to trust them. but i think my initial rule is still remarkably accurate.
• I will hurt people by trying not to hurt them. almost always.

so what do i do with this?

i've lost my extreme optimism, and that's been somewhat of a trademark for me.

as long as i remember i've been the one who was smiling, laughing, and making other people happy.

so what do i do now that i cant even make myself happy?

anyone have any ideas?

i need some motivation.

i need to make some decisions.

and i need to figure out what the hell i want, in more than one aspect of my life.

so that's where i am.

also,

my coffee is now cold.

such is life (: